Sometimes I wonder if people are placed in the path of our lives to teach or be taught a lesson or,is it that they are placed in our world because we deserve the punishment? I feel as if I've answered my own question the instance I typed the last line. Today, the punishment(so to speak) wasn't any different.
The ex sent my husband an email requesting help with the kids T-Ball outfits. This comes after we find out the cost of flying both of the children here for Christmas will total $1,300.00 for a non stop flight with a hefty $200.00 fee per child for the airline attendant. Financially, I'm not quite sure how we are going to pull that off . Our household totals the capacity of six. Our total family size including the two boys raises the bar to eight; Two adults, six children.
You would think his ex would understand the importance of visitation time with their father. After all, we pay her a hefty sum of money to take care of the children they share, not to mention all of their health care and dental needs. Per the court order regarding visitation, my husband was awarded one weekend a month, every other holiday, extended summer visitation of 42 days and one ten minute phone call on odd days starting at 7pm. Also, he was awarded the grand total of nothing in regard to financial provisions to help cover the cost of their travel. Each time the children will travel to see us, the cost will escalate in price due to the nature of the three week time frame we have to book flights.
I wish the government and all of it's little court systems would push the custodial parents to pull their share of the financial portion. Currently, his ex works as an Independent Contractor...She walks dogs. Yes, that's right..Dogs. I can't say anything horrible about her choice of employment; However, as a former single mother of four, it saddens me to see a woman with three children to care for, choose a career path with such a lax and unstable income. Her choice of employment hinders my husband from visiting his children. She isn't pushed to pull her end of the financial portion; therefore, he cannot pull his end of physically caring for the children during visitation.
The ten minute calls are a shot in the dark. It always turns out the same. He calls at his scheduled time only to get her voice mail. He leaves a message. She never answers and rarely returns the call. Believe me, on the days her child support is due, She is cold calling his phone like a rabid cyclopes in need of another eye. Sometimes she will send a text message stating she will have the children call at a later time but he never hears a word from them. When my husband does communicate with the boys, his ex will snatch the phone from their ears to give him a piece of her diluted mind. Sure, his ex will speak the part about his inability to co-parent. She wastes no time verbalizing her opinion regarding him being less than a human to father a child. Surely this conversation comes shortly after the four year old told my husband he had a new daddy. We later find this new guy in his ex's life works at a bar and was formerly charged with several DUI's. At this point, I become concerned about the care of the children. My husband is overly burdened with the distress of the situation.
I worry about my husband's missed opportunities to visit with the boys due to our financial hardship simply because he is due to deploy at anytime. The USMC doesn't waste anytime planting a number on the back of an able body. It won't be long before he hits the overseas realm and in that moment all hopes of seeing his family, as well as the children he shares with his ex, will be gone for a year. He won't be able to call his children on the telephone at 7 pm our time. When you work for the government, you are under their rule of thumb.
I pray to God something turns around. I pray she finds a more stable position of employment. I hope my husband and I are able to see the children for every scheduled visit. I find peace in believing we will all come out of this disaster of a three way unhealthy relationship. I find joy in the hope of seeing the kids again. I find love there too. I wish his ex could see the importance of their father needing to be a part of the children's lives as much as she values the importance of her child support.
Until next time...Praying for the best outcome
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
Introduction
It's 4:30 in the morning and the only thing pulling you out of a deep slumber into the world of coherency is the sound of your husband's cell phone chiming the words " Warning, The ex is calling. Do you want to answer? No, Yes, No, Yes. Aw man, what does she want this time? She wants your soul muah ah ah aha."
You wipe your eyes,
deeply sigh,
stagger to the dresser to fetch the phone and prepare yourself for that demanding voice on the other end of the line. Within seconds (and a fully inhaled breath to speak her mind long enough hold center stage so that you won't be able to get a word in the first two minutes after the instant the call connects) his ex wife will be launching verbal missiles laced with an accusing tonality of anger into your ear.
You pop open the lid of your husband's cell phone, press the speakerphone button, mash the record button on the recorder, remain silent(you won't have time to verbalize a formal greeting)and melt your backside into the top corner of the mattress.
" It took you long enough to answer the phone. I've called three times and you decided to answer on the third try? I could have been calling you about an emergency situation with the boys! I don't know why I even had kids with you! You are such a worthless piece of s*** father! You think just because you have a new family gives you the f***ing right to totally ignore me and my kids. Anyway,"
You: "Natalie, He isn't here right now. He is training in the field this week. It's 4:30 in the morning, Are the boys okay?"
Ex: "Oh, it's you and no the boys are not okay! Their dad hasn't called them in two days! My child support is due today and it is not in my account! He usually pays me early and if I don't get my child support by noon today, I am calling his command to let them know he is late! "
You: " He told the boys he wouldn't be calling them for a week because he would be working. Again, it's very early in the morning and your child support isn't due until today. The bank isn't open at this hour. He left me the instructions to transfer the money into your account. I will make sure you have your child support by the end of today. Please tell the boys he loves them."
Ex: " I'm not telling them anything! You better f***ing make sure I have my $1,056.00 and not one penny less for my two boys in my account by noon or he will never see his kids again and you will be responsible for that. Do you know I can contact my attorney at anytime and take away his f***ing rights simply by proving you are too f***ing unfit to co-parent my children? And if you don't transfer my money, I will have all of the proof I need b****! Oh and just because he put a f***ing ring on your finger doesn't make you s***! He will always love me no matter what I f***ing do. When he decides to leave your a** so he can see his kids, he will be begging me to take his sorry a** back. He came close to f***ing me when he came to see the kids last time but D***(her boyfriend) showed up to my house and we didn't finish it. I still have plenty of f***ing time to make your life a living hell B****!"
This is the moment you end the call.
You can't argue with an irrational basket case who happens to be the opposite parental unit of the man you married.
You are fuming with the intent of revenge on the brain.
Your mind begins plotting ideas of how you could wait until the last minute of the day to transfer the child support into her account.
You could say you forgot to transfer the money which in return would instigate a fight between you and your spouse.
You could call her back and remind her of how her emotional instability alone could cause her to lose her children.
You could even demand that her calling at an unruly hour and threatening your position as the "other mother" would be reported to the authorities as a good case in regard to harassment. After all, two years worth of recorded nagging, degrading and verbally abusive treatment should be plenty enough to push anyone to the point of yearning for retaliation, even if it were to accidentally happen in a diminutive way.
Suddenly,(and surely after I've visualized placing my hands around her neck for the third time) I remember who I am dealing with; a scorned woman who believes I took something that belonged to her.
Even though she had left him for another man three years prior to our marriage, he had maintained and provided her with total financial support for three children(one of which was not biologically his)for one year following their divorce. He had not seen his children nor her in a years time. She would not allow him to visit his two sons. He was employed by the USMC and being stationed in a different state made the battle for visitation even more of difficult hardship financially.
It wasn't until we met, that he decided to stop supporting her and her child by limiting her amount of financial provisions to include only the two children they shared. This relief allowed him to participate in his right to frequent visitations with his two children. She was furious in regard to
1. the loss of income.
2. the loss of complete control over two of her three children.
3. the hassle of having to follow a court order she had not been pushed previously to follow regarding visitation.
4. The amount of credit my husband had received due to a vast amount in over payments of support which in return lowered the amount of monthly child support for two children.
5.The revelation that she would have to inform her 8 year old son that the guy she told him was his father was in fact, not the father.
This woman was hurt because she lost in what her eyes deemed, "everything." In her mind, I was the one who was responsible for her loss.
Even though she relayed to me her attempt to "get back what was hers" by formulating lies of deceit on my husband's behalf, I had to lay down my anger to understand she was simply grasping for straws in a desperate attempt to get back what she felt she had lost.
I remember what my grandmother shared with me many years ago. "Take the high road because the high road will always take you to the top of the waterfall." Generally, people are angry at one another because somewhere in the course of their relationships their feelings of hurt evolved into anger. You must be understanding to one's anger and hurt in order to rationally deal with a situation if you wish to communicate on a level of civility.
An educated and wise woman remains calm, polite and records conversations. An ignorant and uneducated woman talks too much, acts out of anger and seeks immediate revenge.
Anger always leads to a theoretical "trickle down" process, in return, causing us to make decisions without thinking about the outcome. Our actions, as well as our decisions will later determine the longevity of any situation. If you are not careful, you could very well end up at the bottom of the waterfall drowning in a pool of your own tears.
Co-parenting is never an easy task. There are many more hurdles you must learn to jump after the wedding cake is gone and the ring is placed on your finger. When I married a man with two young boys, I felt as if I were ready to face anything life brought our way. Little did I know the task at hand would require more patience, respect and understanding on my part and toward a person who absolutely hated me; an ex-spouse.
I am determined to share with you my experiences as a co-parent, a wife, a mother and an "other mother." I would hope that by the end of my blogging days regarding this topic, I will find I'm standing at the top of my waterfall with my husband's Ex wife standing beside me, setting our differences aside to engage in civil conversation with our focus on the two very small children who need that sort of stability from all involved parents.
After all, parenting is all about the welfare and security of children. There is nothing more precious in life than the blessing that gives you the opportunity to be a parent. We as parents must protect our children from the exposure of negative anger. We must become role models, providing our children with positive and correct ways to express and vent anger. Believe it or not, there is a reason why God gave us the ability to become angry. I assure you the purpose of anger wasn't instilled in us to be used against one another
I hope you the reader, will find comfort, strength and determination in all of which you read. Maybe you'll find you can relate to some of my battles and struggles I share with you. Hopefully you can pinpoint my errors or possibly learn from certain roads I have chosen to follow during my decisions of trial and error.
Lastly, I encourage you to always remember to place your children first, love yourself enough to show the children you love them, even when their biological mother or father are not treating you kindly, make time for them everyday as if it were the last day you had to spend on earth, and never forget to listen, remain calm, place understanding before anger and think before you act.
From here we move onto day 1
You wipe your eyes,
deeply sigh,
stagger to the dresser to fetch the phone and prepare yourself for that demanding voice on the other end of the line. Within seconds (and a fully inhaled breath to speak her mind long enough hold center stage so that you won't be able to get a word in the first two minutes after the instant the call connects) his ex wife will be launching verbal missiles laced with an accusing tonality of anger into your ear.
You pop open the lid of your husband's cell phone, press the speakerphone button, mash the record button on the recorder, remain silent(you won't have time to verbalize a formal greeting)and melt your backside into the top corner of the mattress.
" It took you long enough to answer the phone. I've called three times and you decided to answer on the third try? I could have been calling you about an emergency situation with the boys! I don't know why I even had kids with you! You are such a worthless piece of s*** father! You think just because you have a new family gives you the f***ing right to totally ignore me and my kids. Anyway,"
You: "Natalie, He isn't here right now. He is training in the field this week. It's 4:30 in the morning, Are the boys okay?"
Ex: "Oh, it's you and no the boys are not okay! Their dad hasn't called them in two days! My child support is due today and it is not in my account! He usually pays me early and if I don't get my child support by noon today, I am calling his command to let them know he is late! "
You: " He told the boys he wouldn't be calling them for a week because he would be working. Again, it's very early in the morning and your child support isn't due until today. The bank isn't open at this hour. He left me the instructions to transfer the money into your account. I will make sure you have your child support by the end of today. Please tell the boys he loves them."
Ex: " I'm not telling them anything! You better f***ing make sure I have my $1,056.00 and not one penny less for my two boys in my account by noon or he will never see his kids again and you will be responsible for that. Do you know I can contact my attorney at anytime and take away his f***ing rights simply by proving you are too f***ing unfit to co-parent my children? And if you don't transfer my money, I will have all of the proof I need b****! Oh and just because he put a f***ing ring on your finger doesn't make you s***! He will always love me no matter what I f***ing do. When he decides to leave your a** so he can see his kids, he will be begging me to take his sorry a** back. He came close to f***ing me when he came to see the kids last time but D***(her boyfriend) showed up to my house and we didn't finish it. I still have plenty of f***ing time to make your life a living hell B****!"
This is the moment you end the call.
You can't argue with an irrational basket case who happens to be the opposite parental unit of the man you married.
You are fuming with the intent of revenge on the brain.
Your mind begins plotting ideas of how you could wait until the last minute of the day to transfer the child support into her account.
You could say you forgot to transfer the money which in return would instigate a fight between you and your spouse.
You could call her back and remind her of how her emotional instability alone could cause her to lose her children.
You could even demand that her calling at an unruly hour and threatening your position as the "other mother" would be reported to the authorities as a good case in regard to harassment. After all, two years worth of recorded nagging, degrading and verbally abusive treatment should be plenty enough to push anyone to the point of yearning for retaliation, even if it were to accidentally happen in a diminutive way.
Suddenly,(and surely after I've visualized placing my hands around her neck for the third time) I remember who I am dealing with; a scorned woman who believes I took something that belonged to her.
Even though she had left him for another man three years prior to our marriage, he had maintained and provided her with total financial support for three children(one of which was not biologically his)for one year following their divorce. He had not seen his children nor her in a years time. She would not allow him to visit his two sons. He was employed by the USMC and being stationed in a different state made the battle for visitation even more of difficult hardship financially.
It wasn't until we met, that he decided to stop supporting her and her child by limiting her amount of financial provisions to include only the two children they shared. This relief allowed him to participate in his right to frequent visitations with his two children. She was furious in regard to
1. the loss of income.
2. the loss of complete control over two of her three children.
3. the hassle of having to follow a court order she had not been pushed previously to follow regarding visitation.
4. The amount of credit my husband had received due to a vast amount in over payments of support which in return lowered the amount of monthly child support for two children.
5.The revelation that she would have to inform her 8 year old son that the guy she told him was his father was in fact, not the father.
This woman was hurt because she lost in what her eyes deemed, "everything." In her mind, I was the one who was responsible for her loss.
Even though she relayed to me her attempt to "get back what was hers" by formulating lies of deceit on my husband's behalf, I had to lay down my anger to understand she was simply grasping for straws in a desperate attempt to get back what she felt she had lost.
I remember what my grandmother shared with me many years ago. "Take the high road because the high road will always take you to the top of the waterfall." Generally, people are angry at one another because somewhere in the course of their relationships their feelings of hurt evolved into anger. You must be understanding to one's anger and hurt in order to rationally deal with a situation if you wish to communicate on a level of civility.
An educated and wise woman remains calm, polite and records conversations. An ignorant and uneducated woman talks too much, acts out of anger and seeks immediate revenge.
Anger always leads to a theoretical "trickle down" process, in return, causing us to make decisions without thinking about the outcome. Our actions, as well as our decisions will later determine the longevity of any situation. If you are not careful, you could very well end up at the bottom of the waterfall drowning in a pool of your own tears.
Co-parenting is never an easy task. There are many more hurdles you must learn to jump after the wedding cake is gone and the ring is placed on your finger. When I married a man with two young boys, I felt as if I were ready to face anything life brought our way. Little did I know the task at hand would require more patience, respect and understanding on my part and toward a person who absolutely hated me; an ex-spouse.
I am determined to share with you my experiences as a co-parent, a wife, a mother and an "other mother." I would hope that by the end of my blogging days regarding this topic, I will find I'm standing at the top of my waterfall with my husband's Ex wife standing beside me, setting our differences aside to engage in civil conversation with our focus on the two very small children who need that sort of stability from all involved parents.
After all, parenting is all about the welfare and security of children. There is nothing more precious in life than the blessing that gives you the opportunity to be a parent. We as parents must protect our children from the exposure of negative anger. We must become role models, providing our children with positive and correct ways to express and vent anger. Believe it or not, there is a reason why God gave us the ability to become angry. I assure you the purpose of anger wasn't instilled in us to be used against one another
I hope you the reader, will find comfort, strength and determination in all of which you read. Maybe you'll find you can relate to some of my battles and struggles I share with you. Hopefully you can pinpoint my errors or possibly learn from certain roads I have chosen to follow during my decisions of trial and error.
Lastly, I encourage you to always remember to place your children first, love yourself enough to show the children you love them, even when their biological mother or father are not treating you kindly, make time for them everyday as if it were the last day you had to spend on earth, and never forget to listen, remain calm, place understanding before anger and think before you act.
From here we move onto day 1
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)